Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize