I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
