I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
