You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize