I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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