Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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