Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
