my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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