So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
