I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
