even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
