seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
