The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
