So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
