Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
