He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
