my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
