the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
