You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
