I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
