Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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