yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
