PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
This is the high leading the old right now
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
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