why didn't you poke me back
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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