I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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