somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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