I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
