I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just got carded by a ten year old.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
