Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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