were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
