I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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