Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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