I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
