I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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