Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize