9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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