I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
