I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
