Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
