I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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