I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
