he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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