i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just want nice things and good sex
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
