How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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