I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
