dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
