I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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