Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
