Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
