Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
