I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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