I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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