Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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