Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
