Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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