He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
