Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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