i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
